WANTED: orthodox, holy, charismatic, scholarly Cardinal/CEO to lead world’s biggest religion. Reports to the Blessed Trinity.
- Baptised Catholic male. Please note that the Holy Spirit is not an equal opportunity employer. (Cf. 1 Co 12:11)
- Intimately familiar with the Vatican but also an outsider, but not too much of an outsider. Must be a breath of fresh air but not any kind of risk.
- Looks good in white. (I know, but black is so slimming!)
- At least 20 years experience as each of the following: simple parish priest, world-renowned theologian, archbishop of major crisis-riven diocese, and Curial heavy-weight. Must also be under 70.
- Great tweeter.
- Polyglot in languages living, dead, angelic and Martian. (See below.)
- Brews own mead, a la Friar Tuck.
- Happy with no privacy, near-constant ridicule, funny hats and red shoes.
- Will sanction homosexuality, adultery, divorce, contraception, women priests, and get rid of jokes like “sin”, “transubstantiation”, “priests” and “Catholic” while remaining utterly faithful to Sacred Scripture and Catholic teaching through the centuries.
- At least as awesome as Fr James Martin.
- Full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
- All things to all people. Got a problem with that!? It’s in the Bible, heretic. (Cf. 1 Co 9:22)
Other desirable qualifications:
Ideally, you will be Swedish Filipino from Latin America, working in Rome, with close ties to West Africa, Korea, and Steubenville.
By the end of your pontificate, you will also have ended two major schisms, achieved world peace, pioneered chocolate diet pills, and celebrated Mass ad orientem on Mars.
- If elected, we will take your cats from you. Deal with it.
- We, however, will provide your white space-suit for New (Space) Evangelisation.
- Reptiles need not apply.