Ever since I wrote about not dating a guy whose just “willing” (i.e. “willing to pretend to be willing until you agree to his will”) to wait to have sex, the same search words have kept popping up in my stats: “if a guy can’t wait to have sex”.
Every day, I see it.
Every day, it makes me sad.
Remember when you were in primary school and you asked the teacher “can I go to the bathroom?” and he or she replied tartly, “Yes, you can, but may you?” At that point, you sighed melodramatically and asked again, “may I go to the bathroom?”
Your teacher might have been annoying but it’s a valid distinction. There is a huge difference between what you can do and what are allowed to or allow yourself to do.
Every guy can wait to have sex.
If he genuinely can’t, he either has the immaturity level of those kids who couldn’t not eat the marshmallow or a severe mental health issue. In either case, why would you want to have sex with this guy?
More usually, he’s lying. Perhaps he’s knowingly lying to you. Perhaps he’s lying to himself. Either way, he’s lying to someone because every guy can wait to have sex.
But girls, we fall for this way too often. And let’s be honest, we also do it too, sometimes about sex but also about other things. (Just like guys use the same tactics about other things too, sometimes deliberately, sometimes not.) So don’t hear me saying this a guy thing. It’s not. We all convince ourselves that there are things we just can’t live without.
In this case, we think if a guy says he just can’t wait to have sex or just can’t help himself, it’s because we’re so irresistible. Um, no. This actually isn’t about you. It’s about him. He “can’t wait” to have sex with you not because you’re irresistible but because he can’t resist his own passing urges and impulses. It’s not a compliment. It’s a reflection of his own lack of self-control.
A man who truly cares for a woman will exercise self-control, seek her good above his own, and he will definitely not pressure her into having sex. In just the same way, a woman who truly cares for a man will exercise the same self-control. She won’t do whatever is most pleasing to herself at any given moment but seek his good above her own.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s can be very difficult at times but self-control is always difficult.
It is worth it though.
Rather than restricting our freedom, sexual self-control or chastity trains us to use our freedom well. Every single one of those kids wanted to wait for the second marshmallow. (Except maybe for that adorable little girl who was eating the marshmallow even before the lady left the room but gah, she was too cute for words!) Being able to exercise self-control over their own desires, not denying them but living peacefully with them, would have brought them the greater happiness: two whole marshmallows.
We have a stark choice between us: either we choose to govern our desires (whether for sex, wealth, pleasure, or marshmallows) and find true freedom and peace — or we choose to be governed by them.
I believe saving sex for marriage is totally worth it. Tomorrow, I’ll explain why I not only can but freely choose to wait to have sex.
But believe me, it has nothing to do with marshmallows.