To Whomever Has the Power To Change These Sorts of Things,
Whereas, it has come to our attention that the ancient feast of the venerable saint and martyr, Valentine, has been most violently ejected from the liturgical life of the Roman Catholic Church, we, the undersigned, do demand, in most abject servility and obsequience, the restoration of the aforementioned saint to his rightful place.
Whereas, that the great saint Valentine should be deprived of the title proper to his name, Saint Valentine, in this popular (albeit somewhat perverse) public festival, is deeply distressing. That his violent martyrdom should be commemorated with chocolates and roses, rather than sombre reflection and an extra helping of gruel, is most regrettable. Indeed, that his feast day should be celebrated with the giving of fluffy white animals which bear no resemblance to any hitherto known creature, is almost unbearable.
These offences, heavy they may be, would be cause enough for violent protest and the animated rending of garments. Yet, the offence of our current liturgical calendar in this regard is greater still. For the General Roman Calendar, that excellent specimen of unending alteration, allows St Valentine only an optional memorial.
Whereas, that, in itself, we grant, would not be an insurmountable problem. But insult is added to the grievous liturgical injury when we discover that the fourteenth of February is set aside for the obligatory memorial of the Saints Cyril and Methodius. Thus, St Valentine is ever overshadowed by the twin powers of that saintly duo.
We are by no means attacking those excellent saints, who brought the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ to the Slavic nations, who have their own alphabet named after them (hello Cyrillic! Or should I say, хелло цyриллиц!) and who even rank among the patron saints for the whole of Europe. (What’s left of it anyway.)
Yet until the day that we, the undersigned, see four-score and eight harried gentlemen rushing home with Cyrillic missives and a bottle of Bulgarian vodka for their beloved (outside of Bulgaria of course), we hold that Holy Moth er Church ought to remember the first saint who made the fourteenth of February his own.
We beseech you, with what little humility we have, to restore Saint Valentine to his day. Lest, Saint Valentine be remembered in every place bar the most fitting: in the prayers of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.
We remain yours etc., gorged on chocolates and desirous of this teeny, tiny change,
The Servants of Saint Valentine